USA to Take Over Canada? Finally!

Four concrete suggestions to pave the way for the great Anschluss of our time.
 

Warning to the easily triggered: The following article is satire, defined by Merriam-Webster as trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly.

For those who don’t follow the news from the center of the world or can’t keep up with the volume of innovative policies emanating from the incoming American administration, work has already started on rectifying one of the great historical anomalies of our time - the very existence of that place soon to be formerly known as Canada. And it's about time! While effete urban elites take a moment away from jamming rainbow flags down our throats to decry this bold unifying vision as some phantasmagorical manifest destiny fever dream, I prefer to see it as it is, a clarion call from the Great Pitchman to right this historical wrong. 

As a US-Canadian dual national who has lived in both countries but now resides in neither, and a solution-oriented serious thinker of epic proportions, I feel uniquely positioned to weigh in on this issue. So, I'm here to offer several concrete suggestions about how Canadians (admittedly a little chilly to the concept, at present) can best prepare themselves for their coming promotion from backwater to big league.

1. Healthscare: While it will take time to dismantle the entire Canadian universal healthcare system, as a first preparatory step, authorities in Canuckistan can start refusing care to patients. While faceless actuaries can determine the precise numbers and cases, it should be done on a sliding scale, with the more critical the care the higher the refusal rate just like at home, all while making the process as opaque and arbitrary as possible. At the same time, to add verisimilitude, they should start sticking the population with huge monthly healthcare fees that don’t seem to provide any assurance of coverage, ideally beginning with those who are being actively refused care, before rolling it out across the population. And, as I think about it further, they can even start canceling people’s healthcare altogether, beginning with the poorest and most vulnerable and working their way up the ladder. Let’s see if we can’t acclimatize the former Canucks with the term “medical bankruptcy” even before it becomes a way of life. What sweeter a welcome into the warm embrace of ‘Merica than watching your loved ones die of curable diseases while someone repossesses your home? I get misty-eyed just thinking about it. 

2. Small Sacrifices: Growing up, I was taught to disdain those barbaric ancient cultures who would sacrifice the occasional virgin or prisoner to the altar of their heathen gods. Little did I realize then that the real fault wasn’t the action itself, it was the lack of ambition. The odd virgin hardly rates when, with a dash of psychosis, a large dollop of hypocrisy, and enough ammunition, we have devised a way to slaughter innocents by the score to the altar of the Second Amendment. And the beauty of our innovation is that there is no end of soft targets in sight (or in someone’s sights). The only question is, when can the school shootings begin? While it may be horrifically jarring at first, with enough “thoughts and prayers” Canadians will soon come to appreciate the need for small sacrifices in defense of true freedom. 

3. Gunliness Being Next to Godliness: In a similar vein, Canadians have long been worried about the influx of unregistered handguns across the border and the subsequent rise in violent gun crime, but it is high time they realized that rampant gun violence is a feature of advanced civilization and not a bug. After all, was it not President Abe Lincoln who famously said at Gettysburg “Four score and seven deaths ago (last Tuesday) our fathers brought forth the bumpstock, conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that if the deep state bans autofire for my civilian assault rifle then I will find a workaround to restore my god given right to create mayhem.” And while Abe may have found himself on the wrong side of history during the Northern War of Aggression, he hit the target with this one (…before someone used him as a target, sadly).

4. Curing a Migra-aine Headache: The very idea that continued immigration is a necessary or even desirable ingredient to maintaining economic growth in a demographically stagnant and aging society is another anachronistic superstition that Canadians will have to let go of, and the sooner the better. I've done a lot of my own research into this matter and yes, all people speaking a foreign language in a restaurant are talking about me. And this is just the beginning of the danger. Immigrants working multiple low-wage jobs to make ends meet and provide their kids with the opportunity to improve themselves, as did our forbearers in times past, puts all of us at risk. If the muddle-headed multiculturalists up North don’t start internalizing the real meaning of the old maxim “Good Fences Make Good Neighbors” they may well find themselves on the wrong side of one instead of in the warm embrace of the eagle’s talons.

One simple message I would like to send to Canadian authorities at this critical juncture is to stop whining about national self-determination or touting the distinctive qualities of the not-so-Great White North and start working constructively towards the union of our peoples. My only worry is that advanced age and ever-deeper cognitive decline will ravage The Great Pitchman such that the good lord cancels his show before he gets to see the full results of his grand vision.

Here's to the United States of Even More of America. …And wait until we get a hold of Greenland as well. Good times!